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Tonight, I thought we’d try a movie review.  This particular review is for the 1988 zombie film “Zombi 3”, sort of directed by Lucio Fulci…

Source:  Amazon.com

Source: Amazon.com

First, let me explain the “sort of” – Fulci was asked to direct this movie, and, being sick at the time, he did direct…about 70 minutes of footage, only about 50 of which was deemed usable.  The rest was directed by Bruno Mattei.

Now, I’ll give this movie 3 kudos right off the bat:

  1. It ripped off the flying zombie head schtick from 1985’s “Evil Dead”
  2. It ripped off the whole “don’t burn the body or the outbreak will start all over again” thing from 1985’s “Return of the Living Dead. (Apparently, in 1985 Bruno Mattei was very busy watching American horror films to use for “inspiration” in his future works.)
  3. This movie features fast zombies before anyone even thought about making them fast.

Then, we have the rest of the movie…

Note – the characters in the movie do have names, but, as the movie rarely uses them, and most of the characters are killed off anyway, I’m not gonna bother typing them.

The movie begins with 2 scientists (you can tell because they are wearing white lab coats) injecting a young Filipino man’s corpse with something called “Death One”, which turns him into an oozing, nasty looking zombie.  The scientists seemed rather surprised by this, as, I assume, Death One was supposed to reanimate the young man without all the usual oozy after effects.

The head scientist calls the military to cancel the project (you knew the military was behind this, right?), military says “we’ll be right over to pick up Death One”, scientist meets the general’s chopper, only to have Death One stolen by terrorists.

One terrorist runs away with the metal container holding Death One.  A chopper follows, firing at him, causing him to drop the metal container, which proceeds to pop open, spilling Death One everywhere.  The terrorist goes back to grab the container, and gets Death One all over his hand, which then begins to smoke and cause him pain.

Of course, the terrorist proceeds to head to a local hotel and books himself a room.  Whilst there, he is slowly turning to full on zombie mode and kills the maid.  Oh, and a guy from room service drops a pitcher from the terrorist’s room and cuts his finger on a piece of the glass.  His finger begins to smoke and causes him pain – you see a pattern here?

The military informs the scientist that Death One was recovered and that the bottle broke open.  No problem, says the scientist, the virus can only survive for about 30 seconds exposed to oxygen.  THEN they tell him about the injured terrorist.  From this point on the head scientist does nothing but yell about how the military caused all this,  they are gonna bring about the apocalypse, and how they weren’t told what they were working on.

Um, scientist dude – if the military gives you something to work on called “Death One”, it’s probably not the latest artificial sweetener they’re looking for.  Besides – you’re the scientist – shouldn’t you know what your own work does?

The military takes things in hand by killing everyone in the hotel.  Then they bring the terrorist body back to the lab and incinerate it, which the scientist informs them will spread the virus.  Whoopsies!

Jump ahead by a week (the only idea we get that a week has passed is a comment from one of the characters that the now completely jungle-overgrown hotel the terrorist was at “didn’t look like this last week”), and we are introduced to three military guys on leave (the lone survivor of the three is played by Deran Sarafian).    Blah, Blah, blah, they end up in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, as do an RV full of young women (who all die), and a girl (played by Beatrice Ring) and her boyfriend (who dies).

So, with the apocalypse well under way, the title of this review comes into play.  For your enjoyment, the best deaths in the movie in no particular order)…

  1. A young man that was with the girls in the RV gets killed when he trips over absolutely nothing while backing away from a group of zombies.  He gets eaten.
  2. Some guy (not sure who he was with) gets his neck ripped out by a flying zombie head that he finds in a refrigerator.  The girl with him gets killed by the rest of the zombie.
  3. While assisting a pregnant survivor, one of the girls from the RV gets her face ripped off by a zombie.  To add insult to injury, the pregnant survivor gives birth to a zombie baby, which proceeds to eat the rest of her face off.
  4. One of the military guys dies fighting zombies on a bridge….5 feet away from a functioning automobile.
  5. One of the military guys survives fighting off a zombie horde, only to be killed by the military’s “decontamination” teams.

So there ya have it – if you’ve been doing the math, you will have determined that only Deran Sarafian and Beatrice Ring’s characters survive…only to find out that the zombies are already winning the fight….they fly off in a helicopter swearing to do whatever it takes to beat the zombies…yeah, right…